Acceptance

Happy Solar Eclipse Day! I spent the day at our “Black Out Party” at work with my Pre-K babies! The hallways were decorated with planets (The Solar System) hanging from the ceilings. We used black lights to replace the bulbs that are outside each classroom. This looked really neat! Teachers and students dressed in all black. Our day was extended by an hour. We streamed the Eclipse live for our students to watch on TV, and teachers took turns using the protective glasses to go outside and view the Eclipse in person.

We had tons of fun! We ate the notorious “Krispy Kreme Eclipse Doughnuts” and had a potluck that everyone contributed to.

After work, my therapist came to check on me. She wants me to work on my self-esteem. I noticed that I have this bad habit of trying to seek out reassurance about EVERYTHING. I am doing much better with this, but if I don’t hear something positive from someone, I start second guessing myself. Just a little something for me to work on.

I told her about my encounter with my dad, and she was very proud of me for standing my ground and removing toxicity from my life.

Every now and then I enjoy walking home from work. Not only is it great exercise, but its calming for me. Today, my walk seemed so much quicker than normal. I’m looking forward to the weather cooling off some this fall so that I can do more of that.

For a Monday, today was productive! I think when you go into work and it doesn’t feel like “work”, that’s when you kind of know it’s where your supposed to be. That’s how it is for me.

As far as court dates go, things seem to be quiet. The last court date that I was told of isn’t until October 5th, 2017 at 2:00 p.m. This will be for Juvenile Court, which I believe they are actually trying to get transferred from Athens, Georgia to my county.

Acceptance. I think I struggle with this. I want people to “accept” me. I want to be accepted with no strings attached. Do you know what I mean? This has always been such a struggle of mine.

I think growing up with a twin sister, I really didn’t begin to form my own identity until later in life. Heck, I’m still trying to figure myself out. But that’s okay! What I know about my heart, specifically, I love. I know I have a caring heart. I will never let any circumstance or situation ruin that for me.

My experiences through my journey are incredible. It’s very humbling. I thought I had lost everything. But in reality, I gained so much more.

We all have decisions to make. From the time we get up in the morning, until the time we go to bed at night.

Our decisions play a significant role in what our life is or will look like. I wish I knew what I know now- several years ago. But I can’t go back in time. I can only learn.

I’ve learned so much. About myself, being a mother, relationships. My faith is restored and my relationship with God is so much stronger. I would like to find a bible study group to start going to. I wish I could give out all the peace I feel inside of me to others.

Another thing. Attitude and mindset. It will break you, or it will make you.

If you don’t like how your life is going, the only way out of your situation is to CHANGE it.

It took me so long to accept this. I’m not perfect, I’ve never claimed to be. I’ve said that before. I’m far from it.

But I work hard. I’m committed, dedicated, and I never stay down for long.

Tonight, I must say… I am proud of myself. I am proud of my choices that I have made to lead me to where I’m at, and look forward to where I’m going in life.

I’ve never been excited to wake up in the mornings like I am now. When your personal freedoms, rights and everything have been taken from you, it’s hard not to live through a different lens.

I appreciate and value my life. I really do.

I can’t believe it’s almost the end of August. By next month, I plan to have a vehicle. After that, I will start saving for a new place for the boys and I to live. A new home. A fresh start. Everything, done right.

Within the past couple of days, I felt God lay something heavy down on my heart, that I can’t stop thinking about.

I’ve been told that I’m a good writer. I love to write, but for the most part I love to help others. I know there are people like me out there in the world, and I know the hurt they have gone through. I’ve also taken the road less traveled, made different choices, been given a new opportunity, a new chance- new attitude and mindset. 

The inner peace I feel is powerful. I enjoy writing because it helps me to transition and reflect upon my traumas.

I used to be that person that would just about agree with you on everything you said, whether I did or not. I just wanted to maintain peace, and be loved. That was all.

But things are different now. I’m learning to stand up for myself. To people I never IMAGINED would be possible.

Words are powerful. I believe with all of my heart that I have survived my struggles because I was MEANT to survive. And by that, I mean God has laid it on my heart to let my voice be heard. But in a way that GLORIFIES him. He is what got me through each day. Without Him, I wouldn’t be here right now.

I remember on that mountain, praying- “God, please- just this one last time. I need help.” I asked, He heard me, and answered.

I feel like I’ve been praying the same thing ALL of my life. There are so many factors to consider when looking at the bigger picture of how I became bounded in chains of abuse, after abuse. Learned helplessness. I didn’t want to, and felt like I couldn’t do anything on my own.

Co-dependency. That’s another topic for a different day. But I’ll just say- it’s real.

I’m 30-years-old now. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of time. In a way, I guess I have. At the same time, I am reborn again.

I am going to keep moving forward and never look back.

I’m letting my “broken heart beat again”. This is a new season, my new beginning.

As Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in a wood; and I- I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

Giving up is lazy. Life was never guaranteed to be easy- cause it’s not. It’s not easy. But it’s WORTH every second. I am after all, a lifelong learner. I will accept that I was abused, I will eventually learn to forgive it. But I will never- ever, forget it. I will never forget it because through this process, I have learned WHO I AM.

th

 

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