Today, I feel exhausted. I am emotionally exhausted. It’s after 6:00 p.m. and I’m still wearing the outfit I wore to bed last night, which was the outfit I wore to court yesterday morning. Sometimes, I have these kinds of days. I really thought that yesterday was going to be the END of the extreme abuse that lasted 7-years with my soon to be ex-husband.
I really just want to cry. I thought I was able to forgive him, at least for myself, but I’m not quite there yet. I thought I was, but no. I’m not. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m scared. And the thing is- I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be angry, hurt, and fearful. Maybe I’m just going through the motions. Court was yesterday, so it’s fresh. Maybe I can brush all this off in a day or two.
I guess I should have asked more questions. I didn’t realize that the plea deal was walk free today, on five years of probation. It really wouldn’t even bother me. If I knew for certain that he would let go, and never bother me again, I’d be okay with that. I could move on and have my own life, and he could move on, and have his.
But lets bring all this back down to reality. I know in my heart, and in my gut that he is not finished with me yet. Narcissistic Sociopaths do not just walk away. Especially considering that at the very least, I’ve now EXPOSED him and REJECTED him. I always told him that he would have a fighting chance as long as I never served him divorce papers. Well, after the hearing- guess what happened? He was served divorce papers. That was my way of letting him know, I’m done, “for real” this time. There’s no going back. I don’t want to go back. I’m NOT going back. I’m DONE.
Right now, if I told you I was happy and at peace, I would be lying. I’m not. I’m scared to death. I know I have an overwhelming and strong support group. I’m so thankful. I’m still scared. I’m tired. Complex PTSD- It’s prolonged trauma, or re-occurring trauma… It’s like your body is nearly incapable of just “shutting down, relaxing”. I apologize in advance for whining, so to speak, but it’s not fair. The justice system is broken. It really is. I know Athens-Clarke fought for me. I know I gave them the run around. I know that I spun a lot of heads with the constant back and fourth. I’ve been dealing with him for half my lifetime.
I’m really not trying to place blame. I take responsibility for my mistakes. I tried to do the right thing this time. I was the one who had him charged with aggravated stalking. I called police for protection that day. This was not the state taking out charges on my behalf. But I feel like it was too late.
Maybe that’s why God placed it in my heart to get out of Athens when I did. Maybe that’s why he placed it in my heart to ask for help, so that the children would be safe. I know that God has his own timing. And one day, I will understand why.
I recall putting change in the vending machines at the hospital last month. The coke bottle had the name “Anthony” on it. That’s my son’s name, Tony. A few days ago, I purchased a coke bottle from Target while out with a friend. It had the name “Sarah” on it.
The foster mom’s name is Sarah. I just found this out today. I hope I’m able to meet the family soon. I don’t think this is a coincidence. I’m not “looking” for signs per say, it’s just… I don’t know. All I know, is that when I am fully restored and my children and I are back together and I actually have a life again, it will be so worth it. It will be worth every single hardship I’ve ever gone through.
Sometimes things that hurt you the most teach you the greatest things in life.
I’ve got a good fight on my hands. I’ll never give up. Ever.
I spoke with my DFCS case worker today. I was provided names, telephone numbers, and the address of the foster family. He said I had no limitations to visits, and that I was entitled to at least one visit a week. Those should begin sometime after 7/21/2017. I cannot wait. I miss them so much. The DFCS case worker is also encouraging me to work with the foster parents as long as they feel comfortable. I’m hoping this will be the case.
I will be scheduling therapy sessions, and will be gearing up to go back to work in a few short weeks. My employer sent me an e-mail about bringing in paperwork on 7/24/17 and checking out my classroom more in detail.
On 7/27/17, I will be attending a “Back to School” meeting at a local park at 7:00 p.m. On 7/29/17, I will attend the “New Hire” training from 8:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. My first day of teacher planning will be 7/31/17.
It looks like I’ll be kept plenty busy with work, meetings, therapy sessions, court, and visitation. I know that if I continue to stand strong, I will get through all of this. Of course I would still like to be apart of the church and recovery programs, too.
I am strong, but I am tired.
I am tired, but I WILL not give up.
I’m better than that. I deserve more than that. My children deserve more than that.
The last thing I told him… as I sat shaking on the stand, I glared in his eyes for the first time and said, “Regardless of what happens in this courtroom today, you have already lost this battle.
And he did. I fought to be heard, I found my voice. I stood up for myself. I did not give in. I was strong. I was brave, courageous.
That my friends, is true empowerment.